Friday, September 22, 2017

This alone thing...

...am trucking on.
There certainly are benefits to being alone.  I can be completely selfish with my choices in dinner and tv programming, without feeling guilty!  I don't have to shower.  I don't have to wash other people's underwear.  There are benefits.

I'm figuring out Rose.  I've held so many roles in my life.  I've worn many hats.  I've been: abused, neglected, unloved, unwanted, a child of divorce, molested, lost, married, cheated on, divorced, a single mother, cheated on again, divorced again, a single grandmother...I've lied, cheated, hated, manipulated and have stolen time and resources.  I'm figuring out Rose.

I am also loved, trusted, treasured and cherished by my Heavenly Father.  How can all of these factors align?  How can someone completely unlovable be completely loved? I cannot unravel this mystery and I suppose this is a gift waiting for me in Heaven; one of many questions that will be a answered.  Or perhaps not.  Perhaps, I will not have to ask my questions, but will just be blessed to 'know' the answers.  These are the things I look forward to.

In the meantime, nothing matters but to glorify God; to live to tell others of Christ, and to let the Holy Spirit be revealed through me.  This is my prayer.

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Please...

forgive my last post.  I get to feeling sorry for myself, when I know better.  I know that I am so very blessed.  Besides having my Lord Jesus, I am surrounded by family and friends who love me.  Sometimes it gets to be a bit too much, and it's then that I need to start counting my blessings.
X Rose O

Sunday, September 17, 2017

I suppose...

... that this is what happens to people.  They get older.  Their children have families of their own.  The parents are left to watch admirably from a distance, while growing closer to each other as they age together.  What about when there is no partner?
You watch your children leave after a visit and feel so alone you just cry.  There's no one there to talk to about the day.  There's no one to share a laugh with, or get through life with; no one to comfort in times of trouble.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

another update

I am writing this because my counselor suggests that I do so.
My feelings about all of it are mixed, both good and bad.  I am utterly grateful to have the ties cut. 
I won't point out all the specifics, or wrong doings that he's done throughout our marriage, except to say that he is deeply disturbed with addiction and mental illness, and he needs help.  I hope he gets it.
I do not share it to demean my ex husband.  I have made mistakes in our marriage, and in life.  I humbly live in the light of the Lord Jesus.
My plan is to continue on my path, to grow in the Lord, and to share the truth about him.  I will continue to write, to love my family and enjoy my blessings.
This is all I will ever say on this subject again.

Thank you for your good wishes.



Saturday, July 1, 2017

Update

Well after my last post you, my reader, will be surprised to learn that my husband and I have been going to counseling and marriage classes.  So far, things have been quite successful.  He still has not moved his things back, though he is staying here.
I cannot speak for him, but a change has occurred in me.  I've been praying; praying that I would love him better, praying that I would be a better wife and emulate Jesus to him.  I feel more at peace.  He has reacted to my change of attitude with a change of his own.  We are more gentle in our approach with each other.  We respect each other.
We still have many issues to work through and it cannot be denied.  But we are still holding on, somehow.

Monday, May 22, 2017

time....

Time marches on.  Time has passed.  Time after time.  Time.
After a while, the word doesn't mean anything.

But it does to me.

He has gone.  Things are very good.  I feel that I shouldn't be enjoying life quite so much right now, but it simply is so much better.

I no longer feel unwanted, ugly, lonely and sad.  I no longer have to tiptoe around his feelings; make sure everything is just the way he wants it.

I'm back to being my own person again.

I have regrets.  I regret the day that he ever came into where I worked (with his wife).  I regret that I dated a married man (though he said he was divorcing).  I regret that I didn't listen to my heart, and chose the right things.  I regret the day that I met him, 32 years ago.  But I won't spend another moment in regret over him.

One thing I don't regret was knowing his children.  I love them.  They are confused and sad and probably angry right now.  That's okay.  They are wonderful.  I don't regret a single moment with any of them.  He used to berate their mother and grandmother.  He used to put them down and say horrible things.  I'm here to say, those ladies must have done something well.  Those kids are amazing and I'll love them forever.

So, so long Mister.  I have nothing left for you.  You've cost me too much.  But I have learned.  Wisdom is pricey; worth it.